February 12, 2014
Not too many dull moments here at Casa de Queenie.I have been renting out my guest room to short term guests from a couple of alternative accommodation websites called airbnb and crashmypad. I have been doing this since June of last year. I use the sites for finding places to stay when I am out of town. Especially for work.It has been lucrative and interesting. To say the least.The guests are usually associated to the University. I live within a short bike ride of UC Davis. A leading school in research and teaching in a pretty well located town. We are less then two hours from the coast and a little over two hours to the mountains. The capitol, Sacramento, is a hop skip and a jump from here. Not exactly a vacation destination but definitely a hotbed of educational activity.I get people from all around the world. Austria, Germany, Vietnam AND Canada so far.Sometimes new students staying short term to find long term dwelling; a parent coming to visit their student here; people coming to do research or short term education only provided here. Davis has a world famous veternary clinic facility.And it also provides me interesting tales to share with you. Here, have a glass of wine (or tea...depending on the time I will tell a couple of good ones...Long term guy inquires - over a month. We both agreed to meet in advance. It was fine. Gentle young man from the bay area. He was doing business classes and excited about doing yoga.We are having a bit of a heat wave and this poor guy is riding his bike to school and yoga classes. He is from the cool coast and this is killing him. He is a big guy. It is sucking away his motivation. He appears to not be going to class and staying longer and longer with family and friends in the bay area. And he seems to be beating himself up over this. We had several long chats about this stuff.I came home from work one day just after week one into his month and a half stay to find at least a twelve pack of empty light beer cans stacked on the couch and another twelve pack on the table.When he ventured out of his room I simply said I knew that he would be disposing of all that stuff shortly. He was so embarrassed.He said that the beer was the only way for him to beat the heat.He was a huge lover of costco and bought these ginormous forty eight packs of beer and drink them in the same day. This was how it was the rest of his stay, when he was here. And I never saw another can laying about.He was the sweetest nicest guy. We never hung out and drank a drop. I really worried about him. He was seeking council from an older family friend, he told me, and forwarded his email asking what I thought and if I had any advice or insite I thought might be helpful.He was/is the sweetest gentlest lost for the moment person and I wish him all the best. But, all that beer?!?The vietnamese vet students who actually spoke pretty good english considering. They had a ton of questions before arriving and I sent them links to everything and anything they asked about. This was months before their reservations. They were here for two weeks. Two guys. I explained that it was just a bedroom but let one of the guys sleep on the couch at no additional cost. The situation seemed uncomfortable to them but I tried to describe it clearly in advance. They kept blowing the circuits everytime they blew dried their hair. They busted up a floor molding piece and tried to cover it with slippers. I laugh about that still. I liked them but I don't think they enjoyed thier stay as much as they had hoped.Very quiet, nervous fortyish lady inquires and wonders about bringing her two pets. A puppyish girl pooch and a quiet never to be seen cat. The gal is working on a class she needs to complete in order to get her English degree.To be honest, she comes off a kind of dodgy. Not bad, just odd. A bit gnomish and shy. She has lived in several places. She is meek to speak to. So when I ask what she does for fun and she tells me stand up I am thinking....Righhhhhht.I mention a couple of open mike stand up places I am slightly aware of and she mentions some group at the university that meets to do stand up. I do not take this information seriously.A couple of evenings after she has moved in we talk about some stuff and she mentions that she has been on Conan and Craig Fergusen and Comedy Central. I am like WHAT? Not out loud but of course, the next day I stalk her on google and I find all these links to her stand up on all these great shows and she is friggin' HILARIOUS.I mention a bit she did about the awkward moment after someone almost says I love you first and she says she tried to fill the uncomfortable pause with WOW YOU GOTTA BE SOME KIND OF FAGGOT - I tell her how my co-worker and I were dying over that (I admitted to totally stalking her). She looks at me with her dark and soulful eyes "Well" she says "That's a true story."My new friend from BC. Visiting her son who just moved here in November from San Jose. He isn't liking it as much as he had hoped. But he has a girlfriend nearby. Really nice looking and polite young man.She loves Lola immediately, most EVERYONE does. But Lo takes to her just as quickly. She is quiet and dry and I like her. She mentioned that she liked sweet white wine (ONE GLASS she writes...) and raisin bread for breakfast. I make sure she has both when she gets here. She is busy with her son but in the evenings we hang out together like gals would. Watching movies, petting Lola, reading books. She tells me hilarous stories, sweet but edgy in a way you would not expect from this freckled petite lady. Her eyes sparkle as she tells me about nearly pushing her husband into traffic shortly after they were engaged. She panicked and told him and he made her walk in front of him the rest of the afternoon. I heard several of these laugh til you pee tales. They are married forever and he is in good health. But oh my, this lady is a keeper. AND, by the end of the stay I had her up to three glasses of wine on some evenings. Success...A darling little hippie couple came to stay for two nights. They were checking out Davis as place to live and raise their two young children. They came from up the hill between Auburn and Nevada City. Adorable, shiny, dreadlocked, tatooed and peirced. He works in the Bay Area and is use to commuting but they want to raise their family elsewhere. I kind of think that Gold Country area is a pretty nice place to raise your kids but you do have to DRIVE AND DRIVE to do anything. I did it when I raised my kids in Pollock Pines.We had a small conversation with the whys and whats of such a move. I had to offer up how stuffy Davis can be but agreed that I hear the schools are great (I mean like elementary) and it is so safe here.I ask why they want to move down the hill?Little miss dreadlock sunshine tye dye yoga teacher looks at me with her beautiful clear bright eyes and tells me, "I'm sick of living around dirty hippies that only want to talk about growing pot."I get it but I had to chuckle. To myself.We have a new guest for a month. He is a medical student at UC Davis doing research on the mutated gene that causes blindness or no eye in the uterus.He says that it is a deficiency of vitamin A in the mother that the gene blocks from absorbing. So interesting.Nice guy from Michigan. He is married and his wife is expecting a baby in June.He is going to be a doctor and she is a doctor.Lola loves him and even Esme comes out to meet him. And he is allergic to cats so that is too funny. In that she ignores everyone else but the guy with the allergies. She hangs out at his door and I have to shoo her away.I always look forward to my next guest. It is fun getting the room ready and making the place comfortable for anyone and everyone. Lola loves all the new attention. Everyone loves Lola of course.And in MY EXCITING LIFE???? I am hooked on a French crime thriller called Engrenages (Spiral). Really. That is about all I have been up to. I am picking up French criminal television slang. Mon Dieu!
January 1, 2014
Happy New Year to you and yours.
From what I hear, last year, 2013, kind of kicked everyones ass. If your ass was not one of them, I am very glad for you.
The people that I know personally managed a bunch of big change. It was exhausting and scary and hard for my friends but they took that step and got out there and did it. I think 2014 has started out a little kinder for them. No big WHAT IFS are looming ahead.
Maybe a bunch of WTF's? But, what the hell, they make life interesting. That is what I keep telling myself.
I have not blogged since August. I miss blogging. I have to learn this wordpress blogging style. I can do it. I just keep putting if off. Like some other things.
I am not known for being a procrastinator. But I feel as though I may have been one this past two years. I am not sure why but I hope to get past that this year.
Neither am I one to make resolutions but this year I feel as though there are things I would like to do more of. So I am aiming to point myself in that direction.
Blogging is one of those things. Getting back into reading all my blog pals posts is part of that. I miss my xanga community.
Playing the ukulele is on that list as well.
I bought myself a ukulele and I have been learning how to play it. Not very well but I love that damn thing. That is me strumming it for my grand daughter in that profile picture. As you can see from her expression, my skills are not that impressive.
What have I been doing since August you ask? Working mostly. Not getting into too much trouble. Lola and I have had some small adventures. (Lola is my dog, if you have not been introduced yet)
She is my traveling companion, I take her with me when I go out of town for work. We did an ocean trip back in July. We have not been out and about as much as I would like. We visit my grand daughter and her other grand parents about once a month. My car has transmission issues so I am not as ready to road trip with the possibility of returning home via a tow truck.
Ok, I have figured out how to insert photos over here, but they do not stay centered when I preview this...hmmm
I hope my future blogs are a little more entertaining. This one is just me getting back on my blogging horse. And I have to figure out how to find all my blogging pals.
I hope this finds you all well and that I find you over here to wish you the same!
Happy New Year
Cassi and Lola
August 27, 2013
Elsie Russel Muse 1982
I have been waiting to be struck by the blogging muse. And she has arrived in spades.
I suspect, once my story is told, there will be advice and fist raising. BUT, and a really big but, I feel as though this will turn out fine without making a big dramatic fuss about anything. I may be wrong but I hope I am not.
Preface: I love where I live and have had a very understanding landlord. I have had some financial crap (as everyone has had) over the almost six years I have lived here and have fallen behind on rent once or twice. I make it my top priority to catch up and my landlord has been accommodating with that. I fell very behind about two years ago and he was a saint. I am as grateful now as I was then. Shit happens. If you have never been in this situation, I am so glad for you. It is very stressful and pretty much ruins everything else you are doing. So, having an understanding and patient landlord has been a Dogsend.
He is a very nice man. He has five daughters (the reason he has this place here in Davis was to house them all when they attended UC Davis). This place is in a great location and I really like living here.
My most previous neighbors (I live in a duplex) were the worst ever. They also destroyed the place when they left. When my landlord and his family, who live at a distant, came to do the major repairs needed to make the place livable and rent-able again I offered my guest room and couch up.
I was so glad to be able to repay his kindness.
So, my landlord and additional daughter (s) and hubs and grand kids commenced upon cleaning and repairing the unit next door and staying at my place during the weekends. I helped when I could. We ate and drank together. It was great fun. At times I was working out of town they would stay and leave my place spotless. We laughed, we worked, we got along fine and I was glad to be helpful like he had always been to me.
This has been going on since March. The last couple of months or so the daughters got busy and could not come along.
I think it was the second lone visit when he switched gears from tenant/buddy to horny landlord weird stuff.
First it was hovering and not going to work - just hovering around with me. I am a hostess and made chit chat and food and just supported enjoying the weekend. I am a friendly gal. I am a supportive gal. I am quick to pour coffee, a cocktail, make a sandwich. Hovering in his underpants. I thought it was weird but I averted my eyes and remained appropriate and friendly. I have had a home filled with boys and underpants and what not. I chose to think of this as just a boy thing.
Then there was the weekend where the VERY lewd comment was made. I told him that nothing of the sort was going to happen, that I knew he is married and that I would never disrespect those boundaries. I also apologized for conveying anything beyond friendship in my actions. Seriously, I am above board and trying to avoid this ship wreck. He told me that he had been into my underpants drawer. (WHY???? I am a chubby fifty two year old grandmother?????)
After this I put a post it note on my underwear drawer that reads NO NO NO.
Through the day he kept thanking me for letting him "relax" on the weekend. Later a repeated offer to show me his penis. I walked to the furthest corner and faced the wall telling him NO and that this was a thing that could not be taken back. He stopped.
The hovering in underpants continued and strange boyfriend like text messages ensued. Fortunately my work kept me out of town for several weekends.
Well, this weekend...he made sure I saw his junk. The landlord flashed, hell no, he friggin exposed his junk to make sure I saw it in all it's unexciting glory.
I noted said junk (I had walked to the kitchen and when I walked back he had it out of his pants) and calmly told him to put his penis away immediately or I would get the broom (for some reason I saw myself scattering after a mouse with a broom). He put it away and kept mentioning how embarrassed he was and how calm I was. He found the whole thing charming.
Dudes, it takes more then a landlord penis to ruffle me, K?
So, he works late into the night on Sunday and I pretend that I am asleep, lock the house and backyard up and turn off all the lights. I hear him try to come in but he finally leaves.
Yea, I know what I might and should do. But I do not want to make waves or move. I don't want to ruin this lonely, weird mans life. I just want to live here and be happy.
I have told friends about this and of course, it is funny. Jokes are made. I get this. I do. But it isn't that funny.
In my heart I am just sad. I feel vulnerable. People are struggling with way worse things then this. My situation is not tragic. But I feel so sad. This has me feeling exposed (pardon the pun and alone. No one is here to stick up for me. I don't mind being single but right now I do. Where is my brute boyfriend to punch this guy in the face?
Be my hand and I will be yours.
August 9, 2013
I have had to cut back on caffeine, it gets me jittery if I drink too much.
I switched to green tea in the morning and then allow myself about a cup of coffee. I also try not to drink it late in the day.
I do love coffee.
With the warmer temps I also enjoy iced coffees. I think this is my excuse to drink more then I usually do.
My friend, Phillip, who lives in NYC, sent me a wonderful new (to me) coffee beverage as a birthday gift.
It's an Espresso Coffee Soda. I will now be referring to it as the elixir of the Gods!
It is cold, slightly sweet, slightly carbonated and espresso rich. I love it.
I am definitely drinking more caffeinated beverages then I usually do.
Now I am having trouble sleeping, or at least going to sleep then staying asleep.
I am groggy and dragging in the morning.
Which leads me back to my problem...coffee.
Well, that twelve pack of Manhattan Specials will not last forever, neither will these warmer temps.
I may as well just enjoy the ride.
(thank you google for the awesome images)
August 4, 2013
I am confused about whether to blog or not.
I have loved my time here at xanga and always come back to check in with my long time pals here.
When the spirit moves I like to blog but this whole xanga shutting down and fund raising deal has taken the wind out of my sails.
I think I set up something over at wordpress but have not given that site much of my time or effort looking into how to use it.
Xanga spoiled me with ease of use.
I do not mind paying for premium or what ever - but I will be honest, I did not contribute, what if I did and the site died?
I will and do pay to blog here, I am use to it and some of you faithful bloggers are important to me.
You are my favorite routine and catch up time. All of you. Thanks for blogging here through thick and thin.
Facebook is no replacement for the hallowed halls of xanga. I like the instant gratification but I do not share any real oppionions there. Not even when I comment (or rarely). You all here get my earnest attention and response.
So, is xanga going to make it?
I want to blog, I DO!
Happy Sunday, my xangalians.
May 27, 2013
I just got home from a weekend in Truckee (located in the mountains of northern CA near Nevada) for work.Lola and I were there for a home show. We stayed Fri and Sat nights. Leaving Sunday afternoon. Avoiding that whole end of a three day weekend going home traffic by leaving a day early.Thankfully Monday is still a holiday for me and LolaTraffic was unexpectedly light heading up the hill at 5pm on a Friday before a three day weekend.Thank you Dashboard Jesus.The sky was crazy with full moon eclipse clouds!It has been warm to muggy in Davis so the cool and brisk temps up there are a nice change.They had hot tubs the size of Noah's Ark!This looked to be a huge home show event in Truckee. The venue is at a good sized high school. It had three large gyms. Vendors setting up complex home repair and remodeling booths. Even most of the outside parking area was filled with sprawling home idea structures.I stayed in a nice and comfortable private bedroom at a home situated on a ridge with panoramic views of the river up in a roomy neighborhood off the highway just leaving downtown Truckee. I think they must have at least an acre with apple trees and an abundant organic vegetable garden set up in an enclosed green house (this town gets the most snow and coldest temps in California). They had two dogs, two cats and a coop full of chickens that Lola was amazed and freaked out by - she is so not a country gal!)Sitting here with the sound of the rushing river and the full moon above was magicalWhat I loved the most was a mini meditational fire pit amphitheater with incredible views of snow dusted mountains and a full moon that was going on this weekend. Lola loved hopping up the steps and overlooking the world.None of her speeches were about Obedience...Lola, as usual, was a hit. In her blingy gold service dog vest and an expo name tag. The tag labeled her a Speaker at the Health expo.This is not Chef Gary but that would be his cook ware (his booth was much nicer with rock star lighting)My booth is next to the cooking demo venue. The vendor, Chef Gary, is the consummate sales guy. He kept our corner of the venue busy, offered up free samples of his recipes. He found me a cup of coffee when I could not find the exhibitors lounge the first morning.Lo and I were DONE at 5pm on Saturday, so done we went back to the place we were staying and crashed for a forty minute nap. Just to gain back some wherewithal to go out to dinner.I asked the people I was renting the room from for a recommendation for dinner.Polly told me about an Italian spot in downtown Truckee. She said to sit at the bar - it was a very social scene and the food was great. She was spot on!A cruddy picture I found of the actual bar at Pianeta'sThe place was hopping when I arrived. The hostess seated me at the crammed bar. I had to squeeeeze in between loud and ignoring parties. This made me kind of grumpy - balancing my purse on my lap and trying not to be nudged by my noisy bar neighbors on either side of me.I ordered a beer and began to eye the menu that I could barely open due to lack of space. Checking out the plates next to me and meals being brought out, everything looked wonderful. The place was loud and the bartender kept checking to see if I was ready to order.He was cute but I found his interrogations (Are you ready to order? Can I get you another beer? How is everything?) annoying...until I was half way through my beer. Suddenly I was invited into three different conversations and I found our barkeep caring and attentiveEveryone had a favorite dish, an opinion, a wine to try. I overheard gossip and life stories unraveling.I finished my beer, had another and got around to ordering dinner. (Chicken Marsala which was excellent!)A couple at the bar also had a booth at the home show. We did a little vendor shop talk. But mostly we drank and laughed.Advice was given, tears were shed (not by or because of me!), hugs and phone numbers exchanged upon departure.Greatest annoyed to fabulous dinner experience ever.These two were ready to alpaca and go home! (that is my own llame jokeI heard the lamest (llama-est?) jokes on the planet. Three times a day for two days straight. Always delivered with a fresh twist. That crazy Chef Gary - I am sure he had the most successful booth at this expo. And he was selling high priced cook ware. Hell, if I could afford that cook ware I would have bought some!I also loved my appliance department store vendor neighbor, Tracey. She was probably an early twenties, if that, young lady. Bright and a very good speller (catching mistakes on my hand made signs!). She and I had all of Chef Gary's lame jokes memorized by Sunday at 5pm.She tried to friend Lola the whole time at the expo and Lo would have none of that. What is up with my fickle little scamp?Bunches of cool stuff to look at - this guy was drilling stone sculpturesBecause the event was so poorly attended, us vendor folk mingled and chatted and swapped info, cards and samples. I did my shopping on Sunday. By this time we were all pals. Deals and home show friends were made. A guy at a portrait photo booth must have taken eighty pictures of me. What is up with that? I am not one to ask for copies...Even as proof that I WAS working all weekend! But he should have shown me how they turned out!A cool hanging lamp I saw at a restaurant in Guerneville months agoI bought a lamp like this only different (It's blue and oval shaped) - the guy gave me a crazy deal (another new pal!). It is going over my bambooze cart. Another booth was giving away free boxes of energy efficient light bulbs and water efficient spray nozzles for an outside hose. I'll take two please! And of course the pre-requisite gourmet olive oils and balsamic vinegars (cinnamon pear!).Plus I will be healthier about eating after listening to Chef Gary's excellent nutritional and cooking advice the past two days. Not to mention my all those lame jokes to tell my friends!I bought an inflatable pool to put in the back yard so Lola and I can sit poolside on the sizzling days ahead of us!Lola and I are thrilled to be home sweet home. I have laundry and a couple of projects to work on. My landlord and his daughter are here to do a major overhaul on the duplex next door. The previous tenants trashed the place. I have been helping with that.Happy Memorial weekend. Lets remember those who served and enjoy the day how ever you spend it.
May 18, 2013
We had music in the house all the time while I was growing up.
My mom was a song writer and was always strumming out a new song or singing a favorite country song.
I think I got that gene of playing a favorite song over and over and over again from her. Do you do that? (I did not get the guitar playing or song writing gene)
Listening to the strum of a guitar is really soothing to me.
My mom use to play guitar and sing sad sad songs to my brothers and I.
I remember sitting on her bed when she would sing these songs and me crying my eyes out.
We had this record!
Songs like Old Shep, Red Headed Stranger and El Paso. Somebody always died in these songs. I will still cry if I hear them.
Both my kids are musicians and I love when they would play and work on music at my house.
My son still comes over and mixes stuff he has already recorded. I love listening to all of it.I don't think my kids sing or write about people dying but they do write some interesting lyrics about growing up in our weird dysfunctional and sometimes abusive family. (I had a very physically, verbally and emotionally abusive husband for a time when the kids were growing up)
Her sister Liz did well in Nashville
My mom and two of her sisters were song writers and all very good singers.Stingers were the favorite at that timeI remember my mom and her sister, Donna, sitting up late working on songs and drinking. Funny how the harmonies got worse and worse as the night wore on. I think about that and it really is cute memory. I use to try to sit up late to listen to them sing and gossip...I found a way to be useful by learning to mix their favorite drinks But eventually mom would shoo me to bed.
Something else I find soothing is the sound of a baseball game.
As important as music was to my mom, my dad always had a game going on his radio at his radiator shop or on the tv at home. He was a San Francisco Giants fan. My dad died when I was twelve, we never went to a baseball game together. He grew up in San Francisco. I do not know if he ever went to game at Candle Stick.
I never get bored with the sound of a baseball game in progress.
I was fortunate enough to live in San Francisco in my early twenties. I went to games at Candle Stick and have been to games at the new park (ATT Park, I think they call it) - that new park is a really nice park.
Candle Stick Park
I was all grumpy when they planned on replacing Candle Stick. I went to many night games there, back when beers were as big as your head and they still served after the seventh inning! Nothing better then garbage being tossed up by 45mph winds gusts twirling over the outfield during the game. Why I thought this was the BEST BALL PARK IN ALL THE LAND is beyond me. But I did. The memories are still the best!
All those old memories set my heart at ease. (that is from a Nina Simone song)
Thanks for letting me share, xanga pals.
May 12, 2013
Happy Mom's day to my wonderful xanga mom pals. To all my wonderful mom pals in general.
I am very blessed with very very true and loyal mom friends.
My son called me yesterday to wish me happy Son Day. I love that young man.
I was able to see my grand daughter last weekend. Her dad sent me a happy mom's day text. Another pal sent me a happy co-mom text and yet another pal mentioned me as his adopted son in a mom's day post. And happy mom's day wishes from my fb pals. It warms me to the bottom of my heart.
This whole thing with my daughter makes mom's day unsettling for me.
To be perfectly honest my kids rarely remembered my birthday or mom's day all the years of our lives. I have seen my daughter bend over backwards for other mom's (boyfriends and friends moms) for their birthdays, Christmas or mom's days in years past. I mostly did not take it personally or let it hurt my feelings. Mostly.
This feels more like what she does to me
I make sure to not claim to know anything valuable about parenting. Or children. I feel like a fraud if I share my parenting experience. I feel tainted by my daughter's lack of contact with me. The Scarlet AP (abusive parent). I do not know what I did to have her treat me this way except to make a single mistake. Almost three years ago. She has cut me out of her life many times in the past. I am honestly at a loss about this. We have gone to family counseling, she has gone to my private counseling appointments to speak her peace ( initially I wrote peeve by accident only to have my counselor remind her to be present with her grocery list of grievances. I was in a very abusive marriage in which both of my kids were bullied. This got us into family counseling stat. I have addressed and apologized many many times. Their dad is no prize either. These things are about me not her. I understand this affects her. She is much stronger and sets very strict boundries. I am proud of her for that...Mom's day spins me out a little.
Everything in my life is pretty damn good. Even David and I are still friends. I miss him, of course, and I am very happy with out him. We talk regularly. I know why we had what we had.
On another note...I want a phone with a real ring. Damn it. Do they even make those anymore?
I had this entire weekend to myself and I did accomplish some yard work. I hope to do more before the weekend is over. We shall see. My spare room is actually usable as a guest room. I want to rent it out but not all the time. I have to put that together. I will not turn this into a list of things to do. Promise...I have three of those going anyway. Ack.
I am kind of blathering but I guess I am getting back into the blog habit.
Happy Sunday xanga crew.
May 5, 2013
I realize that my last couple of blogs were lamenting my boyfriend moving on to some kind of pastures...I have to share that life is very good over here at Casa de Pepe.
Sleep is good, work is busy, friends are caring.
Pets and grand daughter are bossy.
I get to see Juniper at least twice a month lately. I am grateful to her dad's mom, Mary (Juniper's all the time grandma). Mary has been generous and open hearted (that is the person she is). She gets that "one more person to love that little girl can only be a good thing". Daniel, her daddy, knows this too. Thanks and love to those people for keeping me in the loop and able to watch my grand daughter evolve into this wonderful very funny AND bossy little lady.
She pretends to not know me when she see's me but she knows Lola. Immediately and by name. I will play that cute dog card as long as I need to!
Lola would prefer not be "used" like this, she is really not a kid dog. The person that abused and injured in her previous life (BC - before Cassi) was a child. I realize parents are responsible, but my little dog does not know this. But after visits and even a sleep over, she is becoming a little more patient with June's attention.
And June is learning to be more gentle, to quit tugging and all that stubborn focused attention that little kids are capable of.
This recent visit with Juniper at her grandparents place was relaxing and fun. I stayed over. Had dinner, played and helped bathe Juniper. She is very fun and very energetic. Her grandparents dote on her. And handle her bossy ways so well. I was trying not to laugh out loud at her sassy bossy orders and their creative deflection of said sass. And June is one heck of a drama actress with the fake tantrum that turns to smiles when I looked at her in disbelief and asked if she was faking. I am cracking up as I type this. She kills me!
She is incredibly polite. She is three years old and covers her mouth when she sneezes. What three year old does that? Yeah she is bossy little thing but not in a spoiled way. A "I know what I want" way. She asks for what she wants and declines what she deems unnecessary at that moment. A bunch of "No Thank You"s for bed time, teeth brushing and bath time.
Anyhoo, once she was in bed, Mary and I had a little grown up lady time. Talking about our families; she has raised three boys. They have their own stuff they are dealing with as well as they can. I talked about David moving (Mary liked him and asked me, when I told her I was doing fine "But what about me and MY feelings?" ha ha ha).
Talk got around to the mommy of our favorite little lady. Not gossipy just mom talk.
She asked if I have grieved this loss. I really thought about that. I do not think I have. I don't know if I know how to do that. I am a kind of move on kind of girl. Something that I know Jocelyn never cared for in me.
This question and my internal dialogue hangs with me today.
How does one learn to grieve in a positive way? I have felt deep and terrible loss. Most of us have. Losing a parent,a friend too early. A divorce, a love or a beloved pet pal.
I remember the deep sadness. The pain. That empty place in my heart that came with those losses. But healthy grieving? I am not sure I have done this ever.
The loss of my daughter who is fine, healthy, and doing wonderfully living only fifty five miles away... Cutting me out of her life for over two years...the first included her daughter...I have felt shocked, sorry, sad, pissed and now just non-participatory. My heart is sad for strange small things. Like seeing her with her daughter. How they interact. I can only imagine how Jocelyn adores this little darling. This smart and busy little lady. And Jocelyn's evolution into a woman, a mom. A working musician and all her other projects (which are many - my kids are very talented and very creative).
Can this be a ticket into the healing of this rift? Getting past this defensive feeling I have inside. What is worse then that, I will not defend myself. I only joke. When introduced as Jocelyn's mom, I shrug that off and say that I don't think she would admit that. You may as well call me spawn of Satan. I make jokes. I am very clever like that. But not healthy for sure.
I will meditate on this. Look for a book. If you can recommend something I will appreciate your ideas.
I was up in Placerville this weekend for another home show. I stayed with family, ran into and looked up old friends from when I lived there. Ran into my ex husband with his new wife (which was a very nice interaction). I loved catching up with everyone. I tend to get along with everyone (except my daughter). I stayed the extra night to visit with Mary, John and Juniper. I had a wonderful time and visit even though I was up there for work.
I came away feeling light and good. And blessed. Lola and I are happy to be home sweet home. My place is safe and comfortable. I love coming home. It feels less empty then I expected with David moving. Esme was pleased that we were back to fill her bowl and clean her litter box.
Lo and I are relaxing in our backyard with my little fountain going. Playing good tunes, savoring a cold beer. I am tired and I will go to bed early. Work is going to be busy tomorrow.
Happy Sunday xanga-crew. Life is good over here at Casa de Pepe.
April 19, 2013
I am a little blue tonight. Last weekend I was out of town and busy so my first boyfriend free weekend was filled with distractions.
I don't think he is my boyfriend anymore...
I will keep my weekend busy but tonight I miss my boyfriend.
I'll be fine.
Ok, so here are some distractions I have planned.
I scored the most awesome bistro set for my backyard.
I just re-did my living room, in fact the dust is still settling with David's moving and the redecorating. I have also been motivated to clean up my backyard for a summer party this year. I have not had one for the past two years. I have had some really great shindigs back there. It feels like it is time to do it again.
This is what I had in mind but what I found is way nicer!
I thought it needed a metal bistro set and I was checking out craigslist (where I do all my furniture shopping) for something. I came across overpriced ratty stuff. Craigslist takes time. Weeks. It took me months to find my perfect antique bed for just the right price. Months!
On my way to work Monday I found a metal bistro set out on the curb for free next to my bosses home office. Free. Fabulous. Much nicer then anything I saw on cl. FREE.
It's a Jungle Out There!
So this weekend I am going to clean my backyard. It is a wreck. Mowing, weed-eating, cutting back the vines, trimming the bamboo. Re-hanging the hammock. Clearing the garden box. The yard needs some major work. That will keep my mind off my blues.
A friend is having a terrific yard sale. My friend Lauren, and her girls, said they would meet me. That will keep my mind off my blues.
And I will get less blue as time goes by.
I really liked my boyfriend. I enjoyed our time together. I thought he did too. I won't go nutty over this. If he does not want to be on my team, I will hang out with my friends who do. I'll get over this.
Work is busy which is great. This is the season of the Home and Garden shows all over Northern California. I get to help out with those. I look forward to them. I was in Chico last week and I will be in Truckee at the end of May.
Who knows what a Roku is? David had a Wii and we streamed Netflix and Amazon for films. He took that with him, of course. I was asking around and heard about this Roku gadget. Whoa, it is the coolest thing ever. I have the Netflix and Amazon alright. There are thousands more channels for FREE! FREE! The Roku costs $50. Best fifty bucks I have ever spent.
I'l probably be watching more television then I ever have in my life. A fabulous distraction but not necessarily a good thing.
She is so Tall!
I was able to babysit for my grand daughter the other evening. The best. She is so flipping fun and funny. I had a blast. She NEVER stops. NEVER. She finally fell asleep after 11:30 pm. I awoke at 5am because I heard Lola scratching about (we both like a early morning pee). Juniper heard me and asked if everything was alright then stayed awake. Oh my gosh. Her dad did a house show in Davis and had spent the night. She wanted to go sleep with him once she woke up. They never went back to sleep. I went back to sleep for an hour or so. She turns three on April 27th. I had her late Easter gift and an early birthday gift. She loved the butterfly net I got her.
My son had a birthday at the beginning of the month. He is 26 these days. I have very grown up kids. He is doing well. Working, doing music. He and his sis are doing a project together. I think it is doing well. I try to stay out of her business. But I am always so proud of all the stuff she and her brother are creating. Michael does share all the music he is working on. I love it all.
My pets are doing well. They got their grooming for the spring. Although spring is barely springing around here. We do have some sunshine but tons of wind and bits of April showers. Lola isn't moping quite so much. Esme has taken full custody of "HER" side of the bed.
Have a great weekend xanga pals!
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