We had music in the house all the time while I was growing up.
My mom was a song writer and was always strumming out a new song or singing a favorite country song.
I think I got that gene of playing a favorite song over and over and over again from her. Do you do that? (I did not get the guitar playing or song writing gene)
Listening to the strum of a guitar is really soothing to me.
My mom use to play guitar and sing sad sad songs to my brothers and I.
I remember sitting on her bed when she would sing these songs and me crying my eyes out.
We had this record!
Songs like Old Shep, Red Headed Stranger and El Paso. Somebody always died in these songs. I will still cry if I hear them.
Both my kids are musicians and I love when they would play and work on music at my house.
My son still comes over and mixes stuff he has already recorded. I love listening to all of it.
Her sister Liz did well in Nashville
My mom and two of her sisters were song writers and all very good singers.
Something else I find soothing is the sound of a baseball game.
As important as music was to my mom, my dad always had a game going on his radio at his radiator shop or on the tv at home. He was a San Francisco Giants fan. My dad died when I was twelve, we never went to a baseball game together. He grew up in San Francisco. I do not know if he ever went to game at Candle Stick.
I never get bored with the sound of a baseball game in progress.
I was fortunate enough to live in San Francisco in my early twenties. I went to games at Candle Stick and have been to games at the new park (ATT Park, I think they call it) – that new park is a really nice park.
Candle Stick Park
I was all grumpy when they planned on replacing Candle Stick. I went to many night games there, back when beers were as big as your head and they still served after the seventh inning! Nothing better then garbage being tossed up by 45mph winds gusts twirling over the outfield during the game. Why I thought this was the BEST BALL PARK IN ALL THE LAND is beyond me. But I did. The memories are still the best!
All those old memories set my heart at ease. (that is from a Nina Simone song)
Thanks for letting me share, xanga pals.
Happy Mom’s day to my wonderful xanga mom pals. To all my wonderful mom pals in general.
I am very blessed with very very true and loyal mom friends.
My son called me yesterday to wish me happy Son Day. I love that young man.
I was able to see my grand daughter last weekend. Her dad sent me a happy mom’s day text. Another pal sent me a happy co-mom text and yet another pal mentioned me as his adopted son in a mom’s day post. And happy mom’s day wishes from my fb pals. It warms me to the bottom of my heart.
This whole thing with my daughter makes mom’s day unsettling for me.
To be perfectly honest my kids rarely remembered my birthday or mom’s day all the years of our lives. I have seen my daughter bend over backwards for other mom’s (boyfriends and friends moms) for their birthdays, Christmas or mom’s days in years past. I mostly did not take it personally or let it hurt my feelings. Mostly.
This feels more like what she does to me
I make sure to not claim to know anything valuable about parenting. Or children. I feel like a fraud if I share my parenting experience. I feel tainted by my daughter’s lack of contact with me. The Scarlet AP (abusive parent). I do not know what I did to have her treat me this way except to make a single mistake. Almost three years ago. She has cut me out of her life many times in the past. I am honestly at a loss about this. We have gone to family counseling, she has gone to my private counseling appointments to speak her peace ( initially I wrote peeve by accident only to have my counselor remind her to be present with her grocery list of grievances. I was in a very abusive marriage in which both of my kids were bullied. This got us into family counseling stat. I have addressed and apologized many many times. Their dad is no prize either. These things are about me not her. I understand this affects her. She is much stronger and sets very strict boundries. I am proud of her for that…Mom’s day spins me out a little.
Everything in my life is pretty damn good. Even David and I are still friends. I miss him, of course, and I am very happy with out him. We talk regularly. I know why we had what we had.
On another note…I want a phone with a real ring. Damn it. Do they even make those anymore?
I had this entire weekend to myself and I did accomplish some yard work. I hope to do more before the weekend is over. We shall see. My spare room is actually usable as a guest room. I want to rent it out but not all the time. I have to put that together. I will not turn this into a list of things to do. Promise…I have three of those going anyway. Ack.
Habit…get it?
I am kind of blathering but I guess I am getting back into the blog habit.
Happy Sunday xanga crew.
xo Cassi
I realize that my last couple of blogs were lamenting my boyfriend moving on to some kind of pastures…I have to share that life is very good over here at Casa de Pepe.
Sleep is good, work is busy, friends are caring.
Pets and grand daughter are bossy.
I get to see Juniper at least twice a month lately. I am grateful to her dad’s mom, Mary (Juniper’s all the time grandma). Mary has been generous and open hearted (that is the person she is). She gets that “one more person to love that little girl can only be a good thing”. Daniel, her daddy, knows this too. Thanks and love to those people for keeping me in the loop and able to watch my grand daughter evolve into this wonderful very funny AND bossy little lady.
She pretends to not know me when she see’s me but she knows Lola. Immediately and by name. I will play that cute dog card as long as I need to!
Lola would prefer not be “used” like this, she is really not a kid dog. The person that abused and injured in her previous life (BC – before Cassi) was a child. I realize parents are responsible, but my little dog does not know this. But after visits and even a sleep over, she is becoming a little more patient with June’s attention.
And June is learning to be more gentle, to quit tugging and all that stubborn focused attention that little kids are capable of.
This recent visit with Juniper at her grandparents place was relaxing and fun. I stayed over. Had dinner, played and helped bathe Juniper. She is very fun and very energetic. Her grandparents dote on her. And handle her bossy ways so well. I was trying not to laugh out loud at her sassy bossy orders and their creative deflection of said sass. And June is one heck of a drama actress with the fake tantrum that turns to smiles when I looked at her in disbelief and asked if she was faking. I am cracking up as I type this. She kills me!
She is incredibly polite. She is three years old and covers her mouth when she sneezes. What three year old does that? Yeah she is bossy little thing but not in a spoiled way. A “I know what I want” way. She asks for what she wants and declines what she deems unnecessary at that moment. A bunch of “No Thank You”s for bed time, teeth brushing and bath time.
Anyhoo, once she was in bed, Mary and I had a little grown up lady time. Talking about our families; she has raised three boys. They have their own stuff they are dealing with as well as they can. I talked about David moving (Mary liked him and asked me, when I told her I was doing fine “But what about me and MY feelings?” ha ha ha).
Talk got around to the mommy of our favorite little lady. Not gossipy just mom talk.
She asked if I have grieved this loss. I really thought about that. I do not think I have. I don’t know if I know how to do that. I am a kind of move on kind of girl. Something that I know Jocelyn never cared for in me.
This question and my internal dialogue hangs with me today.
How does one learn to grieve in a positive way? I have felt deep and terrible loss. Most of us have. Losing a parent,a friend too early. A divorce, a love or a beloved pet pal.
I remember the deep sadness. The pain. That empty place in my heart that came with those losses. But healthy grieving? I am not sure I have done this ever.
The loss of my daughter who is fine, healthy, and doing wonderfully living only fifty five miles away… Cutting me out of her life for over two years…the first included her daughter…I have felt shocked, sorry, sad, pissed and now just non-participatory. My heart is sad for strange small things. Like seeing her with her daughter. How they interact. I can only imagine how Jocelyn adores this little darling. This smart and busy little lady. And Jocelyn’s evolution into a woman, a mom. A working musician and all her other projects (which are many – my kids are very talented and very creative).
Can this be a ticket into the healing of this rift? Getting past this defensive feeling I have inside. What is worse then that, I will not defend myself. I only joke. When introduced as Jocelyn’s mom, I shrug that off and say that I don’t think she would admit that. You may as well call me spawn of Satan. I make jokes. I am very clever like that. But not healthy for sure.
I will meditate on this. Look for a book. If you can recommend something I will appreciate your ideas.
I was up in Placerville this weekend for another home show. I stayed with family, ran into and looked up old friends from when I lived there. Ran into my ex husband with his new wife (which was a very nice interaction). I loved catching up with everyone. I tend to get along with everyone (except my daughter). I stayed the extra night to visit with Mary, John and Juniper. I had a wonderful time and visit even though I was up there for work.
I came away feeling light and good. And blessed. Lola and I are happy to be home sweet home. My place is safe and comfortable. I love coming home. It feels less empty then I expected with David moving. Esme was pleased that we were back to fill her bowl and clean her litter box.
Lo and I are relaxing in our backyard with my little fountain going. Playing good tunes, savoring a cold beer. I am tired and I will go to bed early. Work is going to be busy tomorrow.
Happy Sunday xanga-crew. Life is good over here at Casa de Pepe.
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