May 5, 2013
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So Glad to See You
I realize that my last couple of blogs were lamenting my boyfriend moving on to some kind of pastures…I have to share that life is very good over here at Casa de Pepe.
Sleep is good, work is busy, friends are caring.
Pets and grand daughter are bossy.
I get to see Juniper at least twice a month lately. I am grateful to her dad’s mom, Mary (Juniper’s all the time grandma). Mary has been generous and open hearted (that is the person she is). She gets that “one more person to love that little girl can only be a good thing”. Daniel, her daddy, knows this too. Thanks and love to those people for keeping me in the loop and able to watch my grand daughter evolve into this wonderful very funny AND bossy little lady.
She pretends to not know me when she see’s me but she knows Lola. Immediately and by name. I will play that cute dog card as long as I need to!
Lola would prefer not be “used” like this, she is really not a kid dog. The person that abused and injured in her previous life (BC – before Cassi) was a child. I realize parents are responsible, but my little dog does not know this. But after visits and even a sleep over, she is becoming a little more patient with June’s attention.
And June is learning to be more gentle, to quit tugging and all that stubborn focused attention that little kids are capable of.
This recent visit with Juniper at her grandparents place was relaxing and fun. I stayed over. Had dinner, played and helped bathe Juniper. She is very fun and very energetic. Her grandparents dote on her. And handle her bossy ways so well. I was trying not to laugh out loud at her sassy bossy orders and their creative deflection of said sass. And June is one heck of a drama actress with the fake tantrum that turns to smiles when I looked at her in disbelief and asked if she was faking. I am cracking up as I type this. She kills me!
She is incredibly polite. She is three years old and covers her mouth when she sneezes. What three year old does that? Yeah she is bossy little thing but not in a spoiled way. A “I know what I want” way. She asks for what she wants and declines what she deems unnecessary at that moment. A bunch of “No Thank You”s for bed time, teeth brushing and bath time.
Anyhoo, once she was in bed, Mary and I had a little grown up lady time. Talking about our families; she has raised three boys. They have their own stuff they are dealing with as well as they can. I talked about David moving (Mary liked him and asked me, when I told her I was doing fine “But what about me and MY feelings?” ha ha ha).
Talk got around to the mommy of our favorite little lady. Not gossipy just mom talk.
She asked if I have grieved this loss. I really thought about that. I do not think I have. I don’t know if I know how to do that. I am a kind of move on kind of girl. Something that I know Jocelyn never cared for in me.
This question and my internal dialogue hangs with me today.
How does one learn to grieve in a positive way? I have felt deep and terrible loss. Most of us have. Losing a parent,a friend too early. A divorce, a love or a beloved pet pal.
I remember the deep sadness. The pain. That empty place in my heart that came with those losses. But healthy grieving? I am not sure I have done this ever.
The loss of my daughter who is fine, healthy, and doing wonderfully living only fifty five miles away… Cutting me out of her life for over two years…the first included her daughter…I have felt shocked, sorry, sad, pissed and now just non-participatory. My heart is sad for strange small things. Like seeing her with her daughter. How they interact. I can only imagine how Jocelyn adores this little darling. This smart and busy little lady. And Jocelyn’s evolution into a woman, a mom. A working musician and all her other projects (which are many – my kids are very talented and very creative).
Can this be a ticket into the healing of this rift? Getting past this defensive feeling I have inside. What is worse then that, I will not defend myself. I only joke. When introduced as Jocelyn’s mom, I shrug that off and say that I don’t think she would admit that. You may as well call me spawn of Satan. I make jokes. I am very clever like that. But not healthy for sure.
I will meditate on this. Look for a book. If you can recommend something I will appreciate your ideas.
I was up in Placerville this weekend for another home show. I stayed with family, ran into and looked up old friends from when I lived there. Ran into my ex husband with his new wife (which was a very nice interaction). I loved catching up with everyone. I tend to get along with everyone (except my daughter). I stayed the extra night to visit with Mary, John and Juniper. I had a wonderful time and visit even though I was up there for work.
I came away feeling light and good. And blessed. Lola and I are happy to be home sweet home. My place is safe and comfortable. I love coming home. It feels less empty then I expected with David moving. Esme was pleased that we were back to fill her bowl and clean her litter box.
Lo and I are relaxing in our backyard with my little fountain going. Playing good tunes, savoring a cold beer. I am tired and I will go to bed early. Work is going to be busy tomorrow.
Happy Sunday xanga-crew. Life is good over here at Casa de Pepe.
Comments (9)
Cassi. Strange you should ask about grieving. Did I ever mention I am a grievance counselor? If you were my client I would advise you to “complete” your relationship with Jocelyn. When you feel up to it write down your resentments toward her, apologize to her for things you did that made her unhappy, forgive her and ask her forgiveness. Express your gratitude for all the things she did for and with you and tell her what you miss about her. Then tell her how much you love her. Put your completion in an envelope and file it away, burn it, throw it in a dipsy dumpster 40 miles from your house, the Sacramento River or whatever you would like to do with it. You could also ask a friend to stand in for Jocelyn if there is someone you trust with your gut feelings. You might want to complete your relationship with David, too.
So, that’s what I would advise you to do if you were my client but you’re not. You’re my friend and I love you dearly. Whatever way you choose to grieve will be the right way. I remember when your mother died you had all kinds of feelings (including anger) but when you finished grieving all that was left was pure love. Pure love is what you have for Jocelyn and though she might deny it, if she ever got past her considerations she would realize that’s what she has for you. Pure love, just like you both have for Juniper.
@mamahen00 - Thank you Kate. This is something I can completely do and will do. Thank you.
I wish I could think of something helpful to say but I’m not that smart.
How about every day is a new beginning? (and sometimes a little wine helps) 
@titus_bigglesworth - Mr. Keith, wine therapy is always a prescription to feel better around here. Thank you.
My sweetest friend Cassi, I am so heartbroken for you and your loss of your daughter and have been since the day you said she had.
I am one of those people that don’t know how to work with loss very well. I tend to live with people behaving in all ways till I can’t take whatever any more then I tend to sever them from my life.The only family member I have cut out of my life is my oldest brother who is really cruel.I am so happy that you are able to spend time with your little Junebug. I hope that you are able to for a while longer.well until your Junebug is able to choose to see you on her own.
I am so glad you are writing here again. I know I am finding new demons worked out by doing so.
You are one of the main reasons I never left Xanga. Your recent blog makes me realize how much we have in common. I have a daughter who lives under our roof but won’t speak to me because I tried to protect the pedestal she keeps her dad upon. Love to you Cassi.
This brings the proof a little dog may have an imortant play to help the relationn with grandchildren .
Fortunately Casii, you have Mary and Juniper’ s dad to understand you and welcome you .
For Jocely things will become normal with the time . I knew this with a couple of my children too . Be confident , dear Cassi
Love
Michel
I wonder if you haven’t grieved for your daughter because you don’t feel she has fully gone? Maybe, in the back of your mind, you feel she might wake up one day and realise there is something missing from her life?
Casa de Pepe seems a good place to be.
I am reading a book called “THE UNLIKELY PILGRIMAGE HAROLD GREY” No, it is not a religious book,