December 16, 2011
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Having a Blue (and whiney) Christmas
I have to tell ya…I really do not want to be Miss Blue Pants I want to be Miss Happy Merry Joy to the World Pants.
I love the holidays. I always have. It is a family event but I have made due around (read without) family for many many years before I had family of my own.
I have been smoldering and cogitating over the situation with my daughter (she has excluded me completely from her life and her family for over a year). I love my kids. I have apologized to my daughter. When I try to defend my self it only sounds like denial. If I bring up anything in my defense I get “You CANNOT make me feel guilty!!!!” I get so frustrated that all I can do is shut down, slam doors, cry or go to bed early. This cannot be healthy.
Listen kids, I have thought long and hard about every bad thing I did to my kids. Every could have been better moment. But I always came up head and shoulders above my own mom. Who was, truly, a piece of work. I never claimed or claim to be a good mom but I love my kids. I, for years, was IN LOVE with my kids. I have always and to this moment think they are amazing people. I am proud of all that they have accomplished, the people they have become. Despite our challenges as a family. Some the usual stuff and some tough stuff. All families have their share. We are not exempt. But none of our stuff was in the realm of evil. I always tried to be better, to learn, to be open to change. I never thought I was always right. I can always admit my wrongs and say I am sorry. Maybe not during the heat of an arguement, but I do come around. I try to make amends. We did family counseling for years.
My son has been staying on my couch for a couple of weeks. And he has been on the war path at me. I have a dog-awful car sitch and he OFFERED to help me out til I got my own car fixed. His help has turned into a night mare. The other day he began yelling at me about when he was seven years old. For fuck sake.
That is not ok. Do you know why? Because…I forgave my mom. And her cruelty probably began in the womb. Oh, come on, many of us have come from abuse. Many of us have sworn to do better. Our parenting tools are from how we have survived but we know the difference between where we came from and how we are going to treat our children. And, darlings, these are two massively different worlds for me. And for my children. BUT I still chose to forgive my mom. I loved her to the end. The END. What is the point of hateful?
And still, my kids are talking about when they were seven. Or twelve. Or when I threw away a My Little Pony or that time I did not make it to that farm field trip.
Ok, I am drinking a cocktail (trying to be on the wagon but sheesh…what next?) and watching Sex in the City season 4. I have run out of pouty steam. Believe you me, there is more where this came from.
I want to be a merry holly jolly. I do. I most likely will. Thanks for letting me grouch.
xo
Cassi Christmas (joy to the world blue pants)
Comments (11)
I forgave my mom, and she did a lot of really evil, traumatic things that caused me to have PTSD, among other problems. Shit happens. Being pissed about it 20 years later does neither of us any good. She knows what she did was wrong, and now she has to live with it–I let it go. It sounds like you made some mistakes, but nothing unforgivable. I hope your kids lighten up and come around for Christmas. You deserve it.
Love you, xanga-mom.
(hugs) you may grouch any time you wish.
xo
Wishing you a Merry Christmas. I only go on the wagon when I can’t afford any wine.
I guess I’ll throw in a Happy New Year too. 
This is exactly what blogging used to be all about… pouring out hearts out and having people support us. Have a wine (and a whine if you want) for me ((((hugs)))).
any time love. Any time. Can you make it here this morning?? Or do we need to wait?
queenie, my queenie…. My heart goes out to you and in hopes to lessen your pain. I as a mother have hurt my children too… the really strange thing is the scars I think they should have for my behavior are not so much what there scars are from… they have some other thing that is off the wall, like throwing a pony away… it goes to show one that pain and wounding is subjective. my heart hopes for peace and love fill your family… much love my friend.
Well, C, I feel your pain. I don’t judge you. I love you. Love covers a multitude of sins. Though we often forget it, we all need it no matter how wonderful and flawless we think we may be. It’s easier to think more of yourself when you’re younger and the mistakes you’ve made haven’t yet piled up so high. The fact that you are blue over all this only makes me love you more because you have a soft heart.
Hope it looks brighter for you soon!
Every parent does shit that hurts their kids. That is just life. You allowed your kids to become the people they are. They need to grow up and get over themselves. Seriously. Pointing fingers and laying blame for things that happened when they were children is not only petty, but terribly immature.
(((((hugs)))))
While throwing out the My Little Pony was a monumental injustice, worthy of long term pouting, I do think the statute of limitations on cruelty to inanimate equines expires at adolescence.
I wonder if your little darlings are exploiting your vulnerability. My mom once told me (she always “sang to me an honest lullaby”) “People treat you only as good as they have to.” That said, current bad behavior can’t be ameliorated by an apology so, if your offenses have been more than minor infractions, your punishment may be just. Only you can be the judge of that.
If it’s any consolation, we here in Xanga Land, adore you, warts and all. Our hearts ache and we get a lump in our throats when we read your painfully honest ruminations. Hang in there, girlfriend. Your generous spirit will always shine through.
How did I miss this post? I love what Von said. This is what blogging used to be! Facebook is a great way to keep in touch with Family and friends. Xanga is a great way to explore those thoughts and feelings in the dark recesses of our hearts and thoughts, and shine a light of alternate perspective, from people all over the world. I’ll never meet someone from NZ or Oz in Facebook, but I love including these treasured friends in both worlds.
I am sure this period of blues is behind you now. My mother told me, “Kids grow up because of you AND in spite of you,” and she used me as an example. I was a better parent than my mom, and I hope my kids will be a better parent than I was… we do the best we can with what we have at the time. The key is filling what we dont have that can solve our current misery, and that comes from within.